PLEASE NOTE Chase is not a doctor either. Stephie Baker is also not a doctor. Nothing on this website should be construed as medical advice. If you are reading Chase's testimony as guidance, please contact a licensed medical professional immediately.
THE PRACTICE ITSELF Visit The Baker Practice — strictly unlicensed stephiebaker.com →
Chase at sunrise holding a single walnut up to the light with an expression of reverent devotion.

Patient · Adherent · Foundational Tier

Chase

My several-year journey with the Baker Practice.

I have followed every recommendation. I have purchased every cushion. I have completed every programme. I am, as Stephie has informed me on eleven separate occasions, "the practice's most adherent client to date." This is my account.

↳ Stephie is not a doctor. I am also not a doctor. I am Chase.

Read the Story View Testimony

I — Origin

How I First Met Her.

One spring, in a year I have stopped counting from, I sat down on a metal folding chair at a church potluck and felt a sensation in my lower posterior region which I had not previously felt. I do not propose to describe it. I will say only that it lingered for nine days.

I consulted my general practitioner. She prescribed a cream, a cushion, and rest. The cream worked. The cushion was comfortable. I rested. The sensation resolved within a fortnight.

I should have stopped there.

Instead, a mutual acquaintance — whom I no longer speak to, for unrelated reasons — recommended I visit a Miss Stephie Baker, who was operating, she said, a "considered wellness practice" out of a small consulting room above a milliner's shop. "She is not a doctor," the acquaintance clarified, twice. I noted this. I went anyway.

My initial consultation lasted ninety-eight minutes. I was assigned a foundational wiping methodology, a cushion archetype (N° 11, long retired), and a six-week standing reset programme. I did not understand most of what I was told. I returned the following Tuesday. I have returned every Tuesday since. Every Tuesday.

My GP's recommendations have been quietly retired. I do not currently see a GP. The GP in question has, I am told, also retired.

— Editorial portrait, taken at the close of an earlier year. Pictured: Chase in a calm moment of contemplation, before the cushions began to accumulate.

Chase in formal portrait, seated, hands folded, expression of devout calm.

II — The Daily Routine

A Day In The Programme

The practice does not require this schedule of its clients. I have, however, chosen to adopt it in full, as a gesture of personal commitment.

Chase mid-squat at sunrise in a meadow, holding a single walnut aloft.

05:42 — Sunrise

Three Squats & a Walnut

I rise nineteen minutes before sunrise and walk to the meadow behind my house in soft cream wool. I complete three deep squats. I hold a single walnut aloft for the duration. The walnut is from a small jar I keep beside my bed. The walnuts must be of consistent calibre. I have been ordering them by post, by standing arrangement, for the better part of two decades. The supplier knows my name. We exchange Christmas cards.

↳ Stephie did not, technically, ask me to do this every morning.

Chase standing rigidly in cream tracksuit, holding aloft a small brass pocket stopwatch.

06:14 — Standing Reset

Twenty-three Minutes Upright

The brass stopwatch was a gift, included in the fee. I have lost it seven times. I have re-purchased it seven times. I now wear it on a chain around my neck. The twenty-three minutes are completed in the centre of my living room, in silence, with my feet together. The four-minute squat reset follows. I do this three times daily, as instructed. I have done this, by my own running count, 21,943 times to date.

↳ The stopwatch's chain has caused a small persistent rash on my collarbone. I have not raised this with Stephie. She would say it is a separate matter.

Chase inspecting a small brass spoon by window light at an oak table.

07:30 — Cream Application

Forty-Seven Counter-Clockwise Rotations

The brass spoon is kept in a velvet-lined drawer. The cream is of my own selection. I count aloud. I have not deviated. I have, on nineteen occasions over the years, miscounted at 43 and elected to restart the full cycle from one. I do not regret any of them. The integrity of the rotation is, as Stephie has noted, the deliverable.

↳ Stephie is not a doctor. The spoon, however, is real brass.

Chase hovering uncomfortably above a delicate antique chair, gripping its edges, brow furrowed.

10:00 — The Approved Seating

Sitting, In The Manner Prescribed

The booklet recommends nine surfaces; I am permitted four. I sit upright, ninety-degree knees, palms flat on the seat. I have replaced the soft chairs in my house with the spindly antique types Stephie favours. I will not lie: it is uncomfortable. But the discomfort, I am told, is the point. Or perhaps it is the side effect. The distinction has not been clarified.

↳ I have not sat on a sofa in eighteen years and seven months.

Chase clutching a small cream velvet cushion to his chest in a hallway.

14:30 — Cushion Devotion

Pairings N° 11, N° 14, N° 22, N° 31 & N° 47 (Active)

I have been issued five cushions to date, each at the conclusion of an archetype's natural span. The first (Pairing N° 11) was retired in unusual circumstances Stephie has asked me not to discuss. Each successor has arrived in plain packaging, by post, within eleven days. The current cushion (Pairing N° 47) is the one I bring with me everywhere. I have been politely declined from thirteen restaurants for this reason, across the years. I do not regret a single one.

↳ The cushion has a small embroidered "SB" in dusty rose. I have not, in the words of my brother (the elder; the one who still speaks to me), "let it go."

Chase on a train station bench gripping a small dusty rose drawstring velvet pouch.

VAR. — Travel Buttock Care

The Sealed Pouch

For all journeys exceeding four hours by road, six by air, or any rail journey lacking first class, I am issued a small sealed velvet drawstring pouch. The contents are not to be inspected. I have not inspected mine. I have, over the years, accumulated forty-three sealed pouches. They live in a tall wicker basket beside my bed. I do not look directly at the basket. The basket has, at this point, its own gravity.

↳ I sometimes wonder what is in them. This is, I believe, a personal failing.

III — Trials & Tribulations

A Record of My Adherence.

I have submitted the following inventory in the interest of transparency. The practice has read it. The practice has declined to comment.

  1. N° 01
    A persistent ache in the lower posterior region. This was the original complaint. It has, across several years of treatment, not improved. It has, on the practice's most recent analysis, "deepened in a meaningful way." A more recent development: analogous sensations have begun to present in the anterior region, of an emerging and unfamiliar character. The practice describes these as "collateral inquiry, not unwelcome." I have not, at this stage, sought further detail. ↳ The anterior is not, strictly speaking, the practice's region of specialism. The practice is reviewing the matter.
  2. N° 02 A small persistent rash on my collarbone from the stopwatch chain. The chain is brass. The rash is, the practice tells me, "a separate matter." It has been a separate matter for some time.
  3. N° 03
    Two cracked teeth. Both occurred at sunrise, during the squat-and-walnut protocol, when I attempted to consume the walnut in celebration. The teeth have been replaced. ↳ The protocol does not include consuming the walnut.
  4. N° 04 A standing invitation revoked. My brother no longer hosts the family Christmas at his home. He has cited the cushion. He cited it the first time eleven Christmases ago. I have not raised this with Stephie.
  5. N° 05 A persistent stiffness in the left hip. The result, I believe, of some years of sleeping in Approved Position N° 3 (semi-foetal, chin tucked, knees parted by precisely 14 cm). The position is recommended for postures other than mine. I adopted it anyway. I cannot now reverse it.
  6. N° 06 A tremor in my right hand at the onset of the 47-rotation cream application sequence. The tremor presents only in anticipation. It resolves at rotation 12. It has done so for the better part of a decade.
  7. N° 07 A growing financial commitment. I have, to date, paid the practice £218,640, exclusive of cushions (five), pouches (forty-three), walnuts (by standing arrangement), and the brass spoon (seven times).
  8. N° 08 Nine friendships quietly retired. Four on the matter of the cushion. Three on the matter of the pouch. Two on no stated matter at all.
  9. N° 09 A small scar from the incident of which I will say nothing further, except that the practice has assured me it was "almost certainly not connected to the standing reset programme."
  10. N° 10 A profound and abiding sense of purpose. This is, I believe, the most important entry. I include it last so that it lingers.

IV — Testimony

In My Own Words.

A selection of statements I have made on the record, over the years, regarding the practice.

"She is not a doctor. She has told me so seventeen times during the first consultation. She has told me so several hundred times since. I find it reassuring. I have come to look forward to it."
— Chase · Initial Year
"I have not sat on a sofa in eighteen years and seven months. My posture, I am told by the practice's own measurements, has not measurably improved. I remain committed."
— Chase · An Early Year
"My GP wrote me a letter. I did not reply. The letter was, on reflection, presumptuous. I have not had a GP for the better part of twenty years. I do not propose to start now."
— Chase · A Middle Year
"I keep forty-three sealed velvet pouches in a tall wicker basket beside my bed. I do not look directly at the basket. I trust the practice. I trust the pouches. I trust the wicker."
— Chase · A Later Year
"If, in some future year, the practice were to recommend that I do something genuinely beyond the pale — though it has not, and would not — I would, in all candour, follow the recommendation. I have, in fairness, considered this for a very long time. I have made my peace with it."
— Chase · The Present Year
"Stephie is not a doctor. I am not a doctor. We are not, between us, a medical practice. We are something else. I have not, in twenty-odd years, found the right word for it."
— Chase · standing testimony

V — A Closing Image

The Garment.

The practice's most recent recommendation. I have adopted it without revision.

Chase in an off-white canvas straitjacket with brass buckles, smiling beatifically in a calm cream-walled wellness room.
The practice describes the garment as "a foundational restraint in the elegant manner." I wear it at home for the first ninety minutes of each evening. It is, the practice notes, optional. I have elected to opt in. ↳ Stephie is not a doctor.

VI — Enquiries

Should You Wish To Write

I do not see clients. I am the client. I have, however, been advised to maintain a forwarding address.

[ correspondence ]

chase@stephiebaker.com
I reply when I am able. The brass spoon takes time.

[ the practice ]

All matters concerning the programmes themselves
should be directed to the practice at
stephiebaker.com ↗

[ matters of concern ]

If you are concerned about a loved one's adherence,
please contact a licensed medical professional, or write to me. I will not be helpful, but I will listen.

Thank you for reading. I am grateful you have come this far. Stephie would be too. (She is not a doctor.)